OCD - William

Picture of William

My name is William and I have learned that I am responsible for everything that occurs in my life. This makes absolute sense to me and allows me to always be in control of my life. I was diagnosed with OCD and was told that I would never fully recover, but I have. The following will take you through my own journey in life and show you that change is possible.

I have learned that one bad experience that I didn't understand and held on to only led me to hold on to a belief that this was the way it was. As I focused on such negative events, I only attracted more of this into my life.

I used to constantly think about the worst case scenario and had a lot of fear in my life. These thoughts shaped my future and led me to experience what I did. No-one else is to blame for my life. I take full responsibility for everything in it. I understand all of the experiences in my life now, and can move forward in peace. The events of my past have only helped make me stronger and through these experiences I have been able to gain a tremendous amount of wisdom.

I used to have such a negative view of life and I blamed my nana, mother, and family for it as they were very pessimistic. But now this has actually helped me so much because it has raised my awareness to see who I am and led me to question these beliefs and see for my self. It has led me to see all the potential that exists in this world.

I also used to blame my religion for my feelings of guilt and fear of hell but I realise now that I was the one who allowed this fear and lack of understanding to dominate my thoughts and to lead me into a dark place, even when common sense told me otherwise. I used to constantly listen to my fear. What if…? Then what? All these questions dominated my thoughts and I would make up a huge story of the potential pitfalls and disasters that might occur. I didn't realise at the time that it wasn't religion that was the problem, it was me!

All these little hindrances actually acted as a tool for me to raise my awareness and help me see the real beauty/reason/purpose, and when I became able to see them for what they truly were, I saw that there were no hindrances at all.

I attracted everything into my life, the good, the bad or whatever it may be. This led me to look at all of my beliefs about the world and I saw they were mostly negative - "Life was hard", "It’s not fair", "I’m unlucky": this was my attitude towards life. I don't truly believe life is hard, and I questioned these beliefs and answered them as I truly feel and see now. My life has changed dramatically. I live my life, free of fear, and express myself without limitations or restrictions.

I am learning continuously about myself and life and I am following my desires wholeheartedly, becoming stronger and growing, and am now seeing other opportunities and doors open up for me that I once thought were impossible!

From a young age I have witnessed heartache, lies, cheating, fighting, and hardship. I believed I came into this world into a loving family setting. I had always had a stronger bond with my father, he was my world. I loved him like no other; it was just a natural bond. My father left me when I was four years old, just saying a quick goodbye, and basically disappeared. I couldn't understand why he left me - surely if he loved me as much as I loved him, nothing would separate us! But as a child I was kept in the dark as to why he truly left and this hurt me because I didn't understand. I was only told that he was bad! It was also painful for me to see my mother's heartache. I cried for days but my mother’s pain was deeper and seemed to last longer. She was hurt and I saw this.

My mother was left with raising me and my brother (twin) with the help of my grandmother whom I love dearly. It was a huge struggle for them to raise us, with lack of time and money and my mother getting over my father and working two jobs.

From such a young age I was surrounded by people who were extremely emotional. They were filled with fear and aggression, full of blame, believed in a dark future and basically had lost hope. Now I understand that it was only because of a lack of understanding.

My aunty, whom I love dearly, would snap at me and shout, scaring the shit out of me if I did something wrong in her eyes. It was just her way of dealing with us. This is how my life was from a young age, people always telling me negative things such as you can't do this or that, which only triggered uncertainty in my own life.

I grew up quickly because I wanted to support my mother. I wanted to show her that I was strong and that she could rely on me. I still had a lot of repressed emotions to do with the way my father left. I took on the role of the man of the house.

I grew up in a tough area of Dublin that had a lot of crime. I was filled with fear and had a lot of restless nights due to our vulnerability. I felt that I was the only person that could protect us. My own anger and fear began to dominate my thoughts and, whenever I was led by my own fears, I became quite aggressive.

When I was around eight years old I started to fight with my mother. After trying to help her for so many years I had turned against her. I gave her serious verbal and sometimes physical abuse, and felt so much rage inside. We were struggling financially and also in our family relationships. It upset me even more when we went to a psychologist to talk about our problems as this felt foolish to me because we were spending money we did not have. We went once and even though we did not resolve anything I decided to stop giving my mother abuse purely because we couldn't afford it!

I tried to understand my rage as I knew my mother loved me and I loved her and I wanted the best for everyone. Life started to get better and I was enjoying the whole process of growing up, socialising and just experiencing life in general and I decided to put the past behind me. I was around eleven years old and doing well and my mother was too, which was great.

Then my mother met someone and started dating him. I was unsure about this man because my mother had had relationships before in the past and they naturally came to an end. I didn’t expect him to stay around for long so I wouldn’t let myself get close to him and I had no compassion towards him. When he finally moved into our house it was a constant battle for dominancy. My feeling was, “why should he just come in and take over?”

We seemed to find a truce, though, and lived together for a year, and my mother was happy, which was great. He suggested moving over to where he lived cause of his work, and also it seemed to offer a better quality of life, so we did.

It was a totally different social setting there but I enjoyed my new friends and adapted naturally. Life was progressing well and I was content enough with everything, although it wasn't ideal. I still didn't have any real bond with my mother’s boyfriend and never spoke to my mother regarding any troubling issues in my life because I felt no one would understand. I relied mainly on myself for guidance. I was a strong character and I was moving forward in life.

The problem was when I didn't immediately understand a situation my reactions were fuelled by fear and aggression. My lack of understanding would cause further problems as I could not actually see the real underlying issue that needed to be addressed.

I had a bad experience with a girl I was dating; she shared this with others and it quickly spread and became gossip. My confidence became dented and this put pressure on me when I was with the next girl. Once I let fear into the situation, it spiralled out of control. I created expectations to perform and it only got worse every time I was with someone different. When I was with a woman I would feel nothing, no lust, no desire, nothing but fear - what if I can't perform? What about my kissing? All these questions dominated my thoughts when I was with a woman. I lost my desire to even engage with women.

This was a huge disappointment for me because a lot of my previous desires were about enjoying a relationship. A lot of my time was spent thinking about enjoying a relationship as well and now this was only filled with bad memories, experiences and emotions.

A lot of my time was spent wondering what was going on. Am I gay? I don’t feel anything for women any more! I just could not understand.

During this period which, lasted about two years, I began using drugs and drinking to help take me out of this reality.

I used to get a lot of injuries back then and was getting treatment on my back when I was taken advantage of in a sexual manner by an authority figure that I had gone to for help.

This made me lose faith in people altogether. I saw life as being very dark and that it only gets worse as time goes on.

At the same time I began developing strange little behaviours. I would walk on certain patches on the ground which started off as just playing little games in my head for luck and to help prevent any thing bad happening. From there I began checking locked doors four or five times and checking to make sure the cooker was off five or six times. I felt that it might be on and if people were to get hurt by fire, or the house was broken into and people were attacked, I would be the one responsible. These were just a few of the thoughts that began to dominate my mind. They developed into intrusive thoughts in my mind.

Once when I was speaking with a teacher who was helping me with a question, I heard a voice and had an urge to hit and hurt him which caused extreme fear within me. I didn't want to do this, nor did I feel like this, so I quickly got out of there. I couldn't understand what had happened. I just stopped asking him questions (which wasn't the way).

Another incident was when I was hugging my nana goodbye and another urge/voice said “hurt her!” Again I was horrified and actually stopped visiting my nana because I thought I would harm her. I love my nana dearly and it killed me to have to stop seeing and speaking to her.

This happened again with my dog. I was hugging her and playing with her when a voice said “stab her!” Once again I stopped interacting with my dog because of this and it hurt deeply because I loved her and I could see her looking at me wondering why I wouldn’t go near her anymore. I was all she had and because I loved her I felt it was best to stay away to prevent me physically hurting her.

Religion - Am I going to hell?

I started to feel guilty about these thoughts. I thought I was a bad person and I began to develop a deeper awareness about the afterlife. Being Catholic at the time I began looking for answers to my suffering and started to take a keen interest in what will become of me when I die.

I believed I was a bad person and worried tremendously about what would happen to me if I were to actually act out any of these things that I was hearing/feeling. Surely I’d be in hell for eternity! This triggered off a serious fear in me whereby I actually started to develop panic attacks throughout the day.

I believed I was going to hell, so I said to myself I would rather have a quiet, non-existent life so that I could just spend my time in heaven for eternity, to me it was a better trade-off. So I stopped socialising with people to help stop the intrusive thoughts/urges and when I was in a social setting I was extremely careful of what I said because it had to be 100% accurate or it would be classified as a lie and I would be punished for it. Also if they decided to take in what I said and it wasn’t 100% true then they might act on that and I would be to blame. All this dominated my thoughts all of the time.

I tried to perfect the ten commandments and live by them. I would say a whole rosary before going to bed every night for years and wake up in fear if I had fallen asleep while saying tit and would have to complete it there and then to feel OK.

I felt an overwhelming responsibility to look out/after people and at the time the ten commandments were my guide that I needed to follow at all times or risk the perils of hell for eternity. I took this seriously and because I would make mistakes when speaking to people I would have to go back to them and say again whatever it was I had said to them. People would look at me strangely but I felt it had to be said for their own good. When I couldn't go back and correct my mistake I would say extra prayers to say sorry. This extra burden caused me to sit in my room all day because I couldn't bear making any more mistakes and when I spoke to people it wasn't really me. It got to the stage where I was interacting with people and not expressing who I was in any way at all.

I couldn't even watch television any more because if I saw someone lying in a soap I would feel bad thinking that I was promoting it so I stopped watching television.

My religion took everything I loved in life. I basically existed in my room doing absolutely nothing all day other than running over incidents that took place in the past and feeling guilty or angry about them. It got worse and worse and I had absolutely nothing and I felt an extreme pain within most of my waking day. I was destroying myself trying to please a god who would punish me for eternity if I was bad. I feared this!

I lived like this for four years and then I had had enough. I told myself I didn't want to live any more but feared that if I committed suicide I would go to hell because of my faith and it would only be worse, so I couldn't do that.

But one night I had a panic attack on my sitting room floor. I was crying; I just wanted it to end and didn't care anymore. I didn’t want to even exist here or anywhere anymore! It felt as though I died inside. I felt a huge emptiness, like my heart was gone. I grabbed a knife from the kitchen and put it up to my chest and went to push it through when I heard a gentle voice saying to me, "Don't do it, it’s going to get better."

I felt strange after this - what was this and how will I get better?

I went to see my doctor and he assessed me and told me I had a disorder called OCD and that it only gets worse as time goes on. But mine was already unbearable. He said that there is not much known about the disorder and that he could make an appointment at St John of God’s mental institution where they could have a look at me. This was good news for me because I was very keen to get better.

I was there for three weeks during the day. It offered no relief for my OCD symptoms but did help me with some of my emotional issues, which helped me in other areas of my life. They just didn't have the knowledge or personnel there that could help me. This was disheartening for me but I kept positive because I wanted to get rid of my OCD.

They then informed me of Ireland’s first OCD group therapy session to be held in Cluain Mhuire where they claimed to have techniques that could help me. This was great news for me.

I attended this and was presented with a technique called cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). This technique is where you write down your obsession and the related fears associated with it and face the fear until the feeling has gone. This was only OK - you spend two to three hours a night facing each fear until the fear goes away. But OCD is a very complex disorder - your obsessions change as you get older and different ones develop, and then these must be addressed. Basically when you get rid of one obsession, your OCD will give you something else to worry/obsess about. It’s like a constant reserve.

This approach, I feel, is merely scratching the surface of the OCD and not tackling it at its root cause, the reason for the disorder. I tried this but it didn't stop my OCD, all it did was relieve some obsessions for a while but even these would come back. It was helpful, but certainly not that effective.

I seemed to make the most progress out of the group of seven. Some people found it very difficult; they said that after work, and after doing their rituals to prevent a "disaster", they had no time or were too tired to try the CBT for two/three hours.

Also everyone else was on medication except for me. The doctor said a combination of medication and CBT can help relieve symptoms considerably, but I didn't witness this. I spoke with my doctor regarding taking medication and I decided not to use it. I felt I could tackle the disorder with a determined attitude, hard work and an understanding. I wanted nothing more than to get better and get my life back and I truly felt rejecting the medication was a good idea. I had serious complications when I was between fifteen and twenty when I was prescribed Rouaccutane for severe acne and was on it for a total of 16 months over a few years. This experience led me to be more aware of what I put into my body; I was getting rid of the acne but developing depression and sores all over my body.

I believe that the medication they were prescribing me for OCD was numbing my feelings so it reduced the effect of fear but also the effect of other positive feelings as well. I don't believe this is a good way to go long-term.

I then got offered a college course in England in aquatics - this was my dream. I was extremely fortunate that I had been given this opportunity and went for it. I was living on my own on campus, which was great, as I was meeting new friends and having a good time, but the OCD was still there. Especially when I was with a woman, pure fear would take over and the situations from before would happen again. This was horrible for me and then problems with my confidence and past issues began to resurface again.

I met a girl and was good friends with her. I really liked her and wanted to try to be more than friends when I realised I couldn’t offer her much because of what I had become. I didn’t express my true self and I was fearful of engaging in sex. Why would she stay with me? This hurt because I really liked her. After all the clinics I had been to and all the work I had put in I was still in the same situation.

I used to sit in my room and practise my CBT technique for hours to try and help me get over the fear, so that I could enjoy sex and a healthy relationship, and it did help a little bit.

I went home for Easter break and I remember being in my room and having more OCD thoughts and I walked outside my room and was on the stairs and I looked up through the sky light and said to my inner voice/guide, ‘I can't take this any more - please help me! I want to get better but also I want to achieve my full potential in life and let the world see me as the person I really am.’

When I came back for the summer a couple of weeks later I was on the internet looking to see if there was any new development in OCD treatments and I came across The Mind Clinic where I saw they treated individuals with all types of disabilities, disorders, diseases from brain injury, paralysis and motor neurone disease. I was intrigued and looked at the website, and was impressed to see the success stories. I e-mailed the clinic regarding my condition and they said I could speak with Hratch, the therapist. I called the clinic and spoke to this man and described my symptoms and he knew exactly what it was like and said, ‘Yes, I can help you!’

This was crazy, I thought, can he really help me? I was flying to America in a few days for the summer but thought, ‘what’s the point if I feel like this? I won't enjoy myself. I can go over to London for the weekend before I go away and try this out.’ I booked flights over to London on the Saturday and went to see Hratch for a consultation on the Sunday. I was a little apprehensive as I walked into the clinic because I felt, ‘surely he hasn't dealt with someone with such a deep mental disturbance like I’ve got?’ I was sitting in the clinic and was speaking to Tracey, Hratch's wife, who also works at The Mind Clinic. She was so lovely - nice and helpful in absolutely everything.

Then the door opened and I saw this man, Hratch. There was something about him - he looked comforting, hopeful, and was smiling, and had just finished treating a patient who was confined to a wheelchair. This person was smiling too, he had hope on his face and the place was full of it. This was a great sign for me and now I was a little more confident in his ability already.

We went upstairs where he spoke with me regarding my disorder and what I wanted to achieve. I've been to the top doctors in the country who specialise in mental disorders and this man knew more about my OCD than anyone I had met! He understood me and what I had gone through and spoke logically to me about my fears and obsessions right from the start. I had a strained ligament in my right ankle at the time and he showed me a simple technique of deep breathing and a focused meditation and focused this on my ankle for about one minute and I stood up and was amazed that it was healed - I didn't feel any pain whatsoever in it! This was a positive step with regard to his technique.

I went back to my hostel that night with a good impression of the situation but was still a little worried because although I understood what he was talking about I still had the OCD urges and wasn't sure how his techniques would work on this! That night Hratch asked me to write down all the issues in my life that were affecting me - I had a lot!

The next day I told Hratch all of these and he helped me by speaking to me rationally and logically and helped me see them for what they were - this made sense to me. It helped. He eased my mind a lot. He then lay me down on the bed for some work and this was intriguing to me. What is he going to do? How does it work? All these questions were in my mind. We started off with a few minutes of deep breathing to help me relax, release tension and reach a high level of focus to help me go deep into my mind to work.

I felt calm at all times going deeper into focus, conscious at all times. He told me to look out through the back of my forehead; just to go into the darkness of my mind and go deeper into it. Just as I was doing this I had fear telling me, "Don't let him in, you can't trust him!" This was extremely strong, but I said ‘no way am I listening to this voice that destroyed my life over the years’. I made the choice to trust my true self and continue.

In my mind I pictured my brain and went into it and he guided me through and told me to picture myself and feel myself there and go into my brain and clean out any of the old and unwanted issues that I now understand and which serve no purpose any more. He then told me to instruct my brain to release all the fluids and necessary cells to heal from my OCD, and I pictured it and felt myself opening a door in my brain. I saw all the cells and fluids flooding out and rushing down my spine into my body where I could feel heat wherever I focused the cells and felt strong vibrations - it was amazing! I could actually feel it! Then Hratch put his hands on my forehead and instructed me to release all the negativity and tension from me. I could actually feel tingling all over my body, from my feet all the way up to my head. I felt a pressure leaving me and felt immediately lighter. There was a build-up of pressure and I could feel it leaving my body.

I gently sat up and felt incredible. I had a smile on my face, a genuine one where I felt joy. I hadn't felt like this in years! Is this it? Am I cured? Yes, I am. I walked out of The Mind Clinic on July 3rd 2004, cured from OCD.

I no longer get those obsessions. I still work on my meditation in the morning and in the evening for half an hour every day. I feel amazing. I have my life back - not only am I cured from this but I am expressing my true creativity as the real person I am. I'm following my true desires and passions in life and feel I have the support from within to help me. I went to America for the summer and had a blast. I made loads of new friends and met a woman I felt really comfortable with. This was the first time in years this had happened - I actually enjoyed being with her. This for me is something I never thought would happen for me again.

After my holidays I went back to Hratch. I wanted to learn more about myself and asked him to help me. I can't express how lucky I feel having met Hratch. He is the true inspiration in my life. I love him dearly. He has helped me overcome all the obstacles I faced in life. I believe life brought me to Hratch and words cannot express how grateful I am to have him and Tracy in my life. I have gained tools that will guide me through life and help me progress to achieve my true potential!

I am unique and creative in my own little way, just like everyone. I want to express this and nurture this creativity.

This story is what my life was like: it was hard and it was difficult, but it’s not like that now. I know who I am and what I’m becoming. Even against all odds and having been told by many that I couldn't expect a full recovery, I have not only fully recovered but gained more from life than I ever thought possible. I believed in myself and kept searching and have been rewarded for my efforts. I am no different from you! Believe in yourself and be determined; have direction with what you want to achieve and many doors will open up for you and you will overcome any obstacle you’re faced with in life!

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